how to build a strong, secure relationship with yourself

Investing in your relationship with yourself takes time and effort, but the rewards are worth it. Here are a few ways you can start to establish a strong, secure connection with the most important person you’ll ever build a relationship with: you.

1) Practice self-care

Self-care looks different for everyone! For some people, doing yoga is torture. For others, yoga is incredibly grounding. For some people, running is torture. For others, running is their absolute element. Gaming can be stressful for some people, whilst for others, it helps them rewind.

All of the examples above are valid, and important forms of self-care. They’re different avenues that different people can take to unwind. Take the time to figure out the things that make you feel good. You don’t have to change yourself to fit into someone else’s mould of what it “should” or “shouldn’t” look like to take care of yourself.

The key is to make time to discover and prioritise activities that help you relax and rejuvenate. This can include things like painting, lying in bed and listening to music, doing a class at the gym, journaling or spending time in nature.

2) Set boundaries

Boundaries is a buzzword in today’s culture. It doesn’t mean to just become contrarian and say no to anything and everything. The first step to setting effective boundaries is to understand what you are responsible for, and what you are not.

Our skin is a physical boundary that separates us from others. Everything within our skin is our responsibility.

If you’re anything like me, you are sociable, accommodating and a little bit (or perhaps — a lot) of a people pleaser. One thing I am personally working on is understanding what my personal priorities, values and responsibilities are. In order for me to say yes to the things that are most important to me — I need to also learn how to say no to the things that don't align with my responsibilities, values or priorities.

Setting boundaries can look like saying yes — and no — to certain friends, family members and coworkers to ensure that you have time and energy for yourself. Saying no is a form of self-respect as it allows us to say yes to the things that truly matter to us.

3) Prioritise your needs

Being human means you have needs. Innate needs that need to be taken care of in order to survive and thrive. Some of them are obvious — eating wholesome foods to take care of your gut health, exercising regularly to get your heart rate up, getting enough sunlight to boost your mood and immune system, etc.

Other needs we have as humans are not as obvious — like our need for belonging, purpose, fun, adventure and stability.

As you choose to take care of your physical, emotional, and mental health — it will deepen your sense of self-respect. Taking it one step further to nourish our relationships, invest in our hobbies, and create a safe space to come home to can also do wonders for our emotional and mental wellbeing.

Taking the responsibility to invest in your social connections and build a strong support network will undoubtedly allow you to grow in your groundedness, self-efficacy and sense of connectedness to yourself and others.

Putting yourself first can be the best thing you do for everyone around you. If you eat well and get enough sleep — you’re less likely to get cranky and be difficult company (smile). If you seek support from a therapist, counsellor or psychologist — you’re less likely to put a strain in your relationships as you receive support from a qualified, experienced healthcare professional who is equipped and trained to support you.

Prioritise your needs and put yourself first.

4) Learn new things

Stepping outside of your comfort zone to learn something new will probably surprise you — how fun it can be, how childlike you might feel and how fresh it will be. I mentioned above that one of our innate human needs that often goes unseen is our need for adventure and fun.

A lot of people think about booking a plane ticket and travelling halfway across the world when they think of adding adventure into their lives. And yes, travel is a phenomenal way to deepen your relationship with yourself — especially if it’s solo travel too! But there are lots of other ways you can find adventure in your daily life that are logistically simpler, and cheaper too.

When you what you’re familiar with to learn a new skill — you will undoubtfully discover different sides to your personality and character that you’d never seen before. Whether it’s starting to learn a new instrument, start art classes, salsa dancing classes or joining a team sports — learning something new as an adult can feel daunting because a lot of us don’t like being “bad” at something. But when you step outside of what you know to build new skills, hobbies, or just reading a new book — it can be a healthy challenge. Something fresh.

Even learning a simple skill, like cooking a new dish at home can bring you a freshness that can help you reconnect with yourself.

5) Practice self-compassion

The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship we’ll ever have. We are the only person we’ll spend time with literally 24/7 til the day we leave. The way you speak to yourself, think of yourself, and treat yourself will shape the quality of your life — either in a positive or detrimental way.

Choosing to speak to, and treat yourself with kindness and compassion can sound simple in theory, but a little more complex in practice at times. Especially if you’ve grown up in environments where you weren’t treated well. I know that with myself — I can be incredibly harsh to myself in the moments I make mistakes. One thing I am personally learning is recognising and acknowledging that I am human. And that everyone makes mistakes. I would never, in a thousand years, treat or speak to someone who makes mistakes in the same harsh, degrading way I speak to myself.

So I’m learning to treat myself like I would a close friend, and practice self-forgiveness.

One way you can also practice self-compassion is to focus on learning from your experiences rather than dwelling on them.

Building a healthy relationship with yourself is an ongoing process. By figuring out what makes you feel nourished, prioritising taking care of your needs, stepping out of your comfort zone to learn a new skill, creating healthy boundaries, identifying your priorities and practicing self-compassion — you can develop a stronger, more secure relationship with yourself. Be patient and kind with yourself as you work to cultivate a stronger, more loving relationship with the most important person you’ll ever do life with. Yourself.