5 surprising signs that give away that your relationship is secure

A secure relationship is one where both partners feel safe, supported, and confident in their connection.

A simple question that can give away that a relationship is generally good for you is: “Do they make me smile more than they make me frown?”

But like any concept that seems “too simple”, this question doesn’t consider the layers of variables that come to play when it comes to understanding the dynamics between two, imperfect, humans who are just trying to figure things out.

No relationship is perfect, but there are a few surprising telltale signs that you’re in a secure relationship:

1) you both love your lives outside of your relationship

It’s important to have friends, hobbies and commitments outside of your relationship.

Just like how rest can amplify your productivity, focus and performance at work, having a life that you and your partner both love outside of your relationship will do awesome things in your relationship.

Go and start that sports you’d had on your bucket list forever. Say yes to a boys night at the pub, or a girls night at at dinner. Make sure to prioritise pursuing your own interests and goals. It’s really important for you (not just for your relationship) to find fulfillment and meaning in things that you genuinely love. Maintaining your independence and sense of self (apart from your partner) is undeniably important.

It’s easy to fall into the cycle of codependency, especially if your past experiences have influenced you to form a more anxious or avoidant attachment style. But as easy as it is to fall into depending on and having your life revolve around your relationship — it can be really difficult to break the codependent cycle once you’re in.

You can prevent codependency and ensure that your relationship can thrive by maintaining a healthy balance between your personal and romantic life. Having separate lives outside the bond that you share with your partner can help you avoid becoming overly dependent on your them (and vice versa) which can be really attractive.

If the only person that you see and talk to during the week is your partner, it can be emotionally draining (for at least one, or both parties). Loving your life outside of your romantic relationship can actually enhance your relationship by allowing you and your partner to have more to share with each other. It can make your time together more meaningful.

It's important that both you and your significant other are actively engaging in your lives as individuals and find fulfillment in your own pursuits and interests. Remember, that you’re two equals coming together. Being able to stand on your own is really admirable, sexy and desirable.

2) you want to see each other grow and succeed

An awesome sign of a secure relationship is when both partners want to see each other grow, thrive and reach their goals.

When you genuinely want to see your partner succeed, it shows that you care about their well-being and success (vice versa). When you support each other's growth and development (e.g. in your: health, career, friendships and passion projects) — it will make your relationship more satisfying. The mutual encouragement and emotional support between you will definitely bring you closer and deepen your connection.

When you feel supported by your partner to strive to reach your goals and aspirations (and ofcourse, are happy to show the same support back), you’ll most likely feel mutual respect for each other's opinions, feelings, and boundaries. This sense of respect will become the bedrock of your relationship as you both make an effort to listen to each other and compromise when necessary. This is where your trust can be built and your teamwork and collaboration can grow too.

In a nutshell, if you’re passionate about seeing your partner smash their goals and become their best selves, you’re probably going to treat them well, encourage, challenge and support them. These things are are essential ingredients for a successful partnership.

3) you genuinely enjoy spending time together

Okay, so this is one of the less surprising ones.

Although this might seem like a no brainer, but you’d be surprised at how many couples start the “honeymoon phase” or start of their relationship with starry eyes, excited to see their new partner. And over a few years, grow apart and bicker over small things often, clash in their personalities and not actually have a great time spending time together. But they have history and attachment. So they stay.

I know that my first point was to have a life that you love outside your relationship, but that isn’t mutually exclusive to spending time together. And loving that quality time too.

The point of being in a romantic relationship is to be a team (well, one of the important points anyway). As I mentioned before, a relationship entails two imperfect humans trying to figure things out, understand and accept each other. When you have this kind of bond, it’s most likely that you’re not just physically, but also emotionally intimate with each other, feeling comfortable to express your love and affection in a way that feels authentic.

Lewis Howes shared on his interview with Matthew Hussey on his Podcast “Love life” that he would ask himself something along the lines of: “Can I see myself actually wanting to have 10,000 dinners with this person?”

It’s actually really important that you genuinely enjoy spending time with your partner (and not just opting to be with them because they are sexually attractive) because a strong emotional connection is crucial for a healthy relationship. Enjoying spending time with your partner helps build this connection by fostering a sense of intimacy and closeness.

Attraction plays an important part in romantic relationships, but if your connection is built solely on physical attraction — it can quickly become shallow and unfulfilling. When you prioritise spending quality time with your partner and actually enjoying it, you’re more likely to find your relationship satisfying and secure.

4) you genuinely respect who they are

Mark Manson (best selling author of “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck) asked a whole bunch of married folks what they thought was the most important thing in their relationship. He said that the responses were incredibly repetitive (not in a bad way — open ended surveys that yield recurring results can be valuable data).

After the responses came in, he saw a clear divide in two main responses: couples who answered “communication” as being the most important part of a relationship, and couples who answered “respect”.

Surprisingly enough, Manson disclosed that the couples who weren’t happy in their relationship answered “communication”, and those who were significantly happier in their relationships answered “respect”.

This got me thinking — when you truly respect someone, it means you acknowledge their opinions, feelings, and needs. When someone feels accepted, it means they feel seen. Understood. And when this is the bedrock of your relationship, you’re bound to communicate with them, trust them and feel fulfilled in your connection with your partner.

Shared values and complementing personalities can make it feel a little more natural to respect someone. But how you respond to each others’ differences is a hugely important factor too. Choosing to accept and embrace someone’s values, opinions, decisions and thoughts — especially if they’re different to ours can be a true sign of respect which can

Respect in a relationship can be built, just as self-respect can, and must be built. It’s a crucial element of a healthy, secure relationship as it builts trust, communication, understanding, equality, and helps with conflict resolution.

5) you experience “highs” by doing new things together

Have you ever experienced the addictive anxious-avoidant dance before?

When one partner is anxiously attached (constantly needing reassurance, attention, time and connection, scared to be apart from their significant other as they feel complete only when they’re together). And the other partner is more avoidant (feeling smothered by their clinginess, creating more distance between them). I’ve been there before…

After the distance and the tension — the resolution feels like a massive high. I’ve been trapped in that cycle of hot and cold attachment. The lows felt so low and the highs felt so good.

I’ve also experienced intense relationships too… When the bickering gets fiery, it’s… Well… Fiery. And when you make up? It’s intense and hot and you just feel so much more connected. Then the conflict comes again, and everything flares up — before you bring up the breakup card, then get back together again with blissful makeup sex. That cycle of hot and cold is also really difficult to break too! Anyone know what it's like?

With my current partner, we’ve had a couple of fights over important things (and miscommunication around specific things that are really important to us), but we’ve always been able to talk through it and come to a conclusion. Even if it means we agree to disagree, or one person gives a little more leeway to the other.

I thought to myself often… “I don’t know if I’ve ever had a honeymoon period with my man.” Confused why I didn’t feel the intensity of my previous relationships with my current partner. Looking back in hindsight, I see that this is the first secure relationship I’ve been in. We don’t bicker over small things, and he doesn’t smother me (yes, I’m more of the avoidant type naturally. I’m working on it).

With my partner now, I feel the high when we do new things together. Whether it’s kayaking, or going out for a nice dinner with each others’ friends and family. When we do something out of the ordinary together, I feel closer to him, and I really feel that pull of attraction and chemistry on another level.

When I realised that this is what a secure, healthy relationship feels like — I was so surprised at how uncomfortable it was at the start. I’d always bonded really quickly with my ex-partners over trauma — and felt like I was their caretaker (or vice versa). But with my guy now, I know for sure that we are two separate humans as much as we love each other.

So, I can confidently say that you can know that you’re in a secure relationship when you feel the “highs” when you do new things together, rather than from the makeup sex that you have after you have an explosive fight.

Overall, secure and healthy relationships are not a one size fits all design. But there are a few hallmarks that can indicate that your relationship with your significant other is, indeed healthy.

When you have a life you love outside of the relationship, still enjoy spending time together, have mutual respect for each other, give and receive strong emotional support and regularly experience new things together, you’re building a strong, relationship that will bear awesome fruits in other areas of your life.

Remember, no relationship is perfect, and there will always be ups and downs — it’s inevitable. However, if you and your partner feel secure and supported in your connection, it's a good indication that you have a strong foundation for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.